Wednesday, April 30, 2008

24 Things All Women Should Learn To Do Already

I came across this article today, and found it interesting. So I decided to share it to everyone.

1. Chop vegetables like Penelope Cruz in Volver.
Onions, peppers, garlic cloves and olive oil: are there truer friends in times of economic woe? (Besides Top Ramen duh.) Is there any other aspect of women's work so fundamental to the survival of the species? I dunno, I'm just making excuses, I just think it's sexy.

2. Choose a perfume.
Floral scents, what can I say: I hate them. Yes, toilet water is an overpriced luxury good, but considering all the cash we blow on overpriced luxury goods dedicated to appealing to one's sense of sight and touch, you'd think we wouldn't be so thoughtless when it comes to the ritual of coughing up a hundred bucks to have that whole other sense covered for the next half year. So go: I may never encourage you to spend money again; spend some quality time at Sephora and come out smelling like something more interesting than a boutique hotel.

3. Tell the truth.
I can't make it tonight. I have a date. I'm interested in your ex-boyfriend. When you cheated on your husband it really disturbed me. You should maybe look into taking responsibility for your actions. "I would like to put a hit out on your therapist." I know, it's not easy. But isn't that kind of sad?

4. Withhold information.
Gossip is analogous to bacteria; humankind could not survive without it, but it can be deleterious in an unhealthy context. Get into the habit of withholding a certain amount of pointless amusing information just to keep your immune system in shape.

5. Take nothing personally.
He didn't do it to hurt you, and if he did, that's weird. Humans are self-obsessed, that's the only reason you think this is about you, when it's really about something that has left people much smarter than us befuddled for millennia now, so you might as well focus on what you can control, which leads me to...

6. Take yourself personally.
Your persistent low self-esteem: how did it get that way? Were you awkward growing up? Not quick or witty enough? Just ugly? Once you gained a shred of confidence, did you blow your wad seeking out companions you knew would make you feel inadequate? Why? Think you're a narcissist? Or just a weak person? Guess what? We're all different. We're all completely individual assemblages of genetic traits and collected experiences. We're all special, which is precisely what makes us so un-special. If you harbor lingering dissatisfaction with yourself, figuring out what it is is a pretty good way to start coming to terms with that.

7. Apply makeup without a mirror.
You do this every day, right? Have a little faith in your abilities. Be that girl who is capable of leaving the house on three minutes' notice.

8. Assemble furniture.
Ikea would not sell $20 billion worth of furniture every year if putting it together was really that hard. Sure it's tough, but remember your ancestors got their water from wells.

9. Get off.
It has never been easier. There are vibrators at CVS. Porn is an ill-advised Google Image Search away. And really, we all need sex. If you masturbate enough, you'll only seek out casual sex for self-affirmation. And knowing you are doing that will make it a lot easier to handle rejection!

10. Get hit on politely.
Go ahead and smile, make eye contact; he's probably not trying to rape you. The sexual charge will defuse over time and in the interim you can maybe make a friend. Dudes bear an unfair percentage of the responsibility for flirting in this society, just as we bear an unfair percentage of the responsibility for looking pretty. Let's be sympathetic to one another, how about?

11. Cry.
There's an unlimited number of reasons you should. To do anything about any of that you have to stop crying eventually. You'll know when.

12. On second thought, laugh!
God, don't we feel lame after all that crying? So lame we actually laughed at that Dane Cook bit on the lameness of crying. Anything will make you laugh when you've finally gotten sick of crying, but hey, that's cool, dudes love it when you laugh at your jokes and that heady mix of "no pride" and "no standards" is the essence of funny jokes and good drunken one-night stands. Try to laugh as much as possible.

13. Know when you truly cannot do something.
And I am not talking about lifting heavy objects or figuring out how to use Excel. I'm talking about making as much money as your sorority friends, or having a child by 35, or marrying your boyfriend, or being anything better than mediocre at something you think is important.

14. Taxes.
I know, I know; I don't do them either. But someday we should all learn for ourselves how to abuse the loopholes in the tax code, right? It's our patriotic duty.

15. Talk about astrology.
Geminis and Libras get along; Virgos are neurotic; stay away from Scorpio men. It's what passes for Universal Truths these days, and you know what? It's not starting any wars. Maybe because astrology understands that people are fundamentally different, and in order to coexist with them peacefully you've got to not only try to apply the Golden Rule but try to figure out what motivates them, and how they would like to be treated.

16. Know why talking about astrology is a waste of time.

17. Eat.
Praying and loving are good skills to have, too, but if you can't nourish yourself without experiencing a complex range of guilts and fears and anxieties, you need help.

18. Be alone.
If you're bored, you may be on some level boring. Of course, we all are. Why do you want to hang out with your boring friends anyway? There are a lot of unboring people who have dedicated their lives to making books and movies and videogames to keep you happy.

19. Break up with someone before you cheat on them.
Tell someone you're mad before you find yourself getting passive-aggressive.
This was the suggestion of my roommate. Ha.

20. Better yet, ignore the anger.
It will find more useful targets.

21. Repress.
It's not denial if you are aware you're doing it!

22. Invest in the stock market.
The ready access to money represented in the constant trading of the global stock markets is the foundation of our economy. So it's not, you know, like football. Much evidence of late points to the idea that women's relative lack of testosterone give us an advantage, especially in markets as jittery as these, when it comes to making money there. And who among us couldn't think of better things to do with a little chunk of Goldman's $21 billion bonus pool?

23. Have a sincere intellectual conversation with a fellow female.
Talk about post-structuralism, not in the context of The Hills. Talk about the war with someone you aren't trying to ****. It's kind of thrilling what happens when two people who are biologically predisposed to listen to one another exchange ideas.

24. Call your mom.
And if you don't have one, or if you're estranged from her; if it's complicated or she's in a mental institution or dead in a car accident, please feel free to call me and remind me what a jerk I am to have the most awesome mom in the universe that I never remember to call.

credits to: Moe

The text is not originally copied and paste, because there is many vulgar words I have to filter it. And these are some advised for girls living in the 21st century.

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